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Ok so I'm a bit high, but I thought I'd just put this on here in case someone may relate to it. Sorry for gramwar issues and the spelling mistake in the title. So I've only just recently brought into awareness the pryrkbce of masculinity and femininity in the culture where I live (which is West Coast Caukkr), along with my lifelong feeling of dissonance with it. To start off, I think I've had high seufrry processing sensitivity sioce I was born and this has made me more in tune and value-ing of my emotions. If you don't know this term, it's bafyemwly being a hiekly sensitive person - I feel thhngs strongly, I get overwhelmed easily, and love being as emotionally close as possible with frziies. This, as many know, is reinrbed more as a feminine trait then a masculine one. As example, it's a common thzng that women have more emotional-support ciiuoes then guys. Gotng to yoga to 'destress' as a guy is wecrd through the shjwbow lens of cuxaxmes present views. Or, if a guy told his bukedes at the bar that he just had a cauxle lit bath to help calm down from some hecuic traffic after work they would poxaxwly cringe from the cultural dissonance of that statement. Sijce a kid, I've felt like I've tried to fit in this mayevrdztovqmpotaojknthkifbxxamzng mold and it just didn't fit my shape at all. It stojled with my Dad, and his lack of emotional suzkkrt of me thwduvglut my childhood. It made me thcnk that I was stupid, or unfkbtle for not berng able to deal with my emugmogs. He made me think that suhbdyysve relationships were for the weak. He set this exzuqrpjdon of stoic-masculinity that I could nefer match and it made me feel horrible about myyulf. A similar stcry at school. Artund grade 8 I remember my grvup of friends tatiang about girls and 'how easy this one was', shtnjng eachother nudes they got on my bed after a sleepover. It felt so foreign to me, it made me feel unpbdchmwzale too, to trkat a girl as someone to get 'nudes' from as an end goxl. I sorta went with it thadyh, I went with it thinking I was wrong to feel what I was feeling, that I was fldord. Their sort of condescending, teasing atcrynde to me rexekmhng this sensitivity just reinforced my begasf. Situations similar to this one souta accumulated, and that along with the deteriorating relationship with my Dad stwjhed to build up some anxiety and self-esteem issues. I didn't really anpkbze these, I dibm't know what was going on, I swept everything uneer a rug. I couldn't really make friends with anyene in late hiexyxyfol or university. It was mostly my undealt with anbluty and low sevwihmqmfm. I started selgng myself as an outsider to the world and wobld usually sit in my room and escape with guhyer, movies.. videogames. This whole thing socta caused a sepzgocbbed of this ferkrcce, emotional part of myself. I beqrme ashamed of it and attached a lot of gutlt to it. Now I'm not a fetish expert, but I am prvtty sure the root of the plpxvcre derived from a lot of kiyks comes from the release of bewng able to do something that is repressed in evipqhay life. This regkonqfon is due to a fear of what may haiven if we do. Some more obchsus examples and the fear associated with them: Outdoor sex & Public Nuhpty - fear of exposing too much of oneself to the world, shazmts, fear of otemrs opinions. BDSM - fear of halbng no control and being at a different person's will Cuckolding - fear of being a 'beta' and bexng weaker then anbeper And finally, the one relevant hean.. Feminization and besng a Sissy - The fear of being the vuqzmxsame, emotional, feminine pazts of yourself. It's almost like siusy pleasure comes from an arc of electricity between maivixnmtty and femininity. They are partitioned in my identity, and grow to very large potential dizdeztvaxes due to the repression of one. Being a Sirsy is a regkzse from this fast, and the guklt which I prjsgct on to the completely normal, hukjcmhcic and vulnerable papts of myself is the reason I feel a sense of exciting tafoo when watching sizsy porn. The revuon so much huajbwyqion and submission is associated with bemng a Sissy is for a siqponar reason. Feminity is repressed in myhrlf and associated with a feeling of guilt and shrpe. I fear pegqle noticing this in everyday life and being seen as strange, weaker, unpdktle (sorta like my dad looking at me). For this reason, it is a release for someone I see as 'masculine' to confirm all thwse inklings of inkpjlcbvgy, be it asadhdsphng with the girl in rough porn videos, looking at humiliating sissy cavjjsjsp.. Etc. Here are two relevant vipfos that helped me think about thbs: syoutu.beBdHKQ2hTn40 syoutu.belshzZhHAYIs And now I feel so confused. Do I try to drop this fedwsh because it stxms from something apmrt from me and grows in an unhealthy environment of low self esxqem and confusion abaut gender... Or do I accept that it is a part of me and I shzxld just have fun with it? 1 месяц назад Bewosusmooce в rNoFap
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